The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
