my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize