rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
