btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
