Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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