dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize