I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
He passed out mid-signature
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize