I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
