i already hear my dad disowning me
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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