3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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