the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
my phone needs a breathalizer
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
