If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize
