If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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