the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
