DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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