U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize