also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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