youre lurking in front of me
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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