My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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