Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
