My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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