Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
