I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Watching her eat just hurts me
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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