ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
