if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
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