Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Holy shit dude........stairs
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
