she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
