I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
