I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
