i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
