Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
