in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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