it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Every concussion has its silver lining
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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