i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
