I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
