Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
