Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
