Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Randomize
