I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
