i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
