I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
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