i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
As shirtless as possible
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Randomize