I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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