You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
