Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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