the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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