Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize