i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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