He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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