I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
