The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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