took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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