I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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