Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
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