I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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