you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
