i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
