were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
my liver is dry heaving
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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