Swine flu. Run for my life!
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
