i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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