So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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